Backbone, anyone?

This week's lesson I have to learn is not everyone is going to like you ALL the time. This is a hard one for me b/c look who my mother is! I don't know one person who has an ill-word to say about my mother. Granted I may be partial, but seriously- even her co-workers call her "Lady Margaret!"

I can count on one hand the amount of arguments I've had in the past 10 years. I feel much more comfortable exercising diplomacy and generally let go of my personal issues in order to maintain harmony. It's all immaterial anyway, and unless i feel my integrity or honor is being called into question, it's generally not worth my time. I believe this is the result of growing up with someone who had a trigger-happy temper, and I learned words said in anger can be hurtful and while it is easy to forgive, it is hard to forget.

This week, my integrity was called into question by a coworker who is also my friend. Like most arguments, it has stemmed from a glitch in the communication lines and while my intentions were pure and in the service of being a friend, she does not see it this way.

In years past, I would be devastated. I HATE CONFLICT, and I hate feeling I have been misunderstood. However, in this particular circumstance I don't feel the need to justify my motives. I clarified the actions that were misinterpreted and said I had a clear heart and conscience about my role and have moved on.

She is still not speaking to me. Admittedly, I'm saddened by this. Maybe it will blow over, and maybe it won't. I wrestle the the notion of compromising my integrity in order to maintain peace and again remind myself of the lesson I'm being taught: Nowhere is it written that I must loved by all in order to succeed in life. While it would be nice, it's unrealistic ;-)

The Journal

Yeah, this is going to be one of those times when I'm not exactly sure what's going to come out in this post. For as long as I could write and spell, I've kept a journal. I have managed to hold onto them from April of 1990 to now. Unfortunately, for some reason, I stopped writing back in 2004 or 2005. I don't really know why, either, b/c it was in my journal that I would seek solace and be comforted by whatever flowed from my hand. I wrote without fear of conflict or judgement because I knew the thoughts were my own and stemmed from the purest place inside of me.

I used to get teased in college about my journal. What did I write about? How could I have THAT MUCH to write when I hardly exercised my opinion? It's true. I would disappear to some random corner in the dorm, to the formal gardens, on a rooftop, anywhere where I could be alone with my thoughts.

I miss my journal. As I go back and read my entries, I CRACK UP laughing. It is so interesting to see how my thoughts were reflected by emotions and the inexperience of youth. I can tell instantly by my handwriting what kind of mood I was in.

I think for your reading pleasure, I will give you a sample of my journal when I was in middle school. -- And before I write it, I must first say-- How ridiculous is it to write, "Dear Journal, How are you? I'm fine..." I crack myself up.

Monday, August 20th, 1990 10:30 PM

Dear Journal,
HI! What's up? Not much here. I had to get up this morning at 7:00. YUK! I had a piano lesson today. (What a drag) Piano is very stupid. After piano, I stayed home and read a book. Billy and Matt came in soaked w/ mud. I helped Billy with his clothes (not that I wanted to.) I washed my hair and watched some tv for the rest of the evening. Well, Gotta Go. Bye
Erin.
PS. 7 days until 6th grade.

I'm laughing hysterically about helping "Billy with his clothes." What the hell does that mean !?!?! I was 11 years old when I wrote this, and Billy is my best friend's older brother and NOW my Insurance agent!!!! I couldn't STAND Billy when I was this age b/c he and my brother would torment me.

Yeah... Something tells me I should start writing again. Hopefully 10 years from now, I'll look back on the mistakes of my 20's and laugh like I am now about my adolescence.

BANANAGRAMS

My brother often teases me by saying, "Well Erin, I don't really know what I can say around you now, b/c it might shamelessly end up in your blog." Since my brother is one of my favorite people, I feel I must now divulge a hidden quirk of mine so as to show in reality, we're all a little bizarre.

Bananagrams. This is a game. If I were an intelligent woman, I would set "Bananagrams" as a hyperlink to Amazon.com-- I'm not that clever. So look it up.

If you're too lazy to look it up, allow me to explain. It's like scrabble, w/o a board. You build your on word puzzle and you work independently of the other players. Whomever has a complete puzzle when all the letters are out of the middle wins. There is no timing, or skill level required. You just need to know how to spell and form words. Any age can play it.

I must pay homage to the woman who introduced me to this game-- Judy. Since the introduction of this game in the summer of 2006, I have since purchased numerous games and given them to friends. It's gone to the beach, to church, a x-mas eve celebration, a bar, and to friends houses.

You know you're truly an expert if you use 2 hands to gather letters and form words- It's harder than it sounds.

I'm an expert.

Now, here's the part about my quirk... When you're suddenly quizzed on your ability to form words, you instantly realize you don't have a whole lot of reserves in your vocabulary for words that have a "j" in it. How about "wh" or "tw" and "sw" or of course, the cursed "Q." Since I am ridiculously stubborn, when I see a weakness in my own intellectual ability, it becomes all- consuming. I would go to bed, and since we all know I don't sleep, I would lie awake sounding out words w/ various letter combinations. Now granted, I didn't deprive myself of sleep or lose my ability to function, but I saw this as a challenge, and I became mildly obsessed. I even started playing by myself. I wanted to see how long it would take me to fill the board. It took me 49 minutes the first time, and now I've gotten down to 35. Get the game-- you'll know what I mean once you play. AND for those of you who read this who have played, back me up here. ;-)

And You Must Be 'The Aunt'

I have a thing for children-- That is to say, I don't always like them- They freak me out on a continual basis. However, since my brother has had children my aloofness has waned. I still don't pay a whole lot of attention to Maggie-- she's 2 months... But when a watched her this past Sunday, I whispered in her ear and said, "Just give me 1 year, Maggie. When you can start talking, walking and weigh more than a sack of flour, we're gonna have an awesome time."

I received a phone call from my eldest niece on Friday-- A large feat since she just started to know how to use a phone. She asked her mom if she could call me, got the phone, and asked what my phone number was. When I answered the phone, I heard this little sheepish voice on the other line saying:

"Aunt Erin?"
"Hey Mir, What's up- Did your mommy and daddy put you up to calling me?"
"No! I want to ask you something."
"What is it, sweetie?"
"Will you make me a scarf like you did for mommy?"
(Instant heart-melt!!!) "Sure, do you want to go to JoAnn Fabrics tomorrow and pick out the yarn?"
"Really?! You'll make me a scarf and I can pick out the yarn?"
"Absolutely."
"Oh Aunt Erin, I just can't wait to see you!"

So the next day, Mir and I get ready to go on our trip. Sammy, my middle niece comes out sulking. Lower lip out and all, saying "I want to go and get a STARF, too." (we're working on our "c" and "k" sounds.) Mir and I agree Sammy should be part of this adventure, but I now have panic in my eyes... I'm thinking 2 kids, 3 errands to run, and my brother's mini-van. Totally out of my comfort zone! For all of you people who have children, I know you're saying, "uh welcome to my world..." But as a single girl... this is huge.

We embark on our trip. I have explained to the girls we have 3 places to go; Joann Fabrics, the bank, and the gift shop.. (AKA, the yarn store, the money store, and the candy store.-- gotta love how children simplify things. ) At "the Yarn Store" we discovered so many choices- they were overwhelmed, but we managed to pick out 2 very nice yarns for their scarves. At the Money Store, we had a discussion of whether or not the ground outside was mud or dirt. This was quite a passionate debate and upon further inspection, it was decided some parts were mud and some were dirt.

The Candy Store- The holy grail for little girls who love chocolate. I had told the admins at work I would pick them up some of the best chocolate they'd ever had. So of course that means I had to go someplace that sold Ben Heggy's Candy! The girls walked in and literally stopped in their tracks. I reminded them since they were so good, I would buy them each 2 pieces of candy.

When I left the store, each child came out with 4 pieces of candy and both had large helium smiley faced foil balloons w/ matching ribbons and little weights at the bottom. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF!!! They were so awe-struck at all the choices and then the different balloons... It was just too much. And the thing of it is... they didn't even ASK for anything- I just wanted to get them everything because they just looked soo precious!

When I stood at the cash register purchasing my assortment of candy and balloons, the sales rep handed me the balloon strings and said, "You must be an Aunt... there is no way a mother would give in so easily..."

Yeah, you might as well just have "sucker" written on my forehead.